The Golden Slushi: Generation Two (A Four Part Mini-Series)

*Prelogue* After the great tale of the unnamed generic hero from
the original Golden Slushi Trilogy (Now seemingly lost forever 
somewhere in my old archives of stuff at home) had conquered
the vile Doogie Howser and his plot to take over the world, the 
story now centers on the generic hero's son, Orange.  

The Legend Continues (Part One of Four)

Tales circulate worldwide of the great Golden Slushi, the
artifact of unimaginable power, and a hearty beef flavor.
Thought lost forever in the last battle between the generic
hero and Doogie Howser, rumors spill that the Golden Slushi
is being held in a secret underground fortress populated by
the mexican nazi's.  However, the location is yet unknown.
Orange, bored of a lifetime of working at Blockbuster Video
has decided to take up his father's legacy and quest for himself
to locate the mystical artifact.  His loyal friends, Former 
Senator Bob Dole, and Logg the root beer flavored dumdum lollypop
decide to begin their search where everything is located: Los
Angeles.  After many hours of searching LA's bordellos for clues,
the gang was left with no money and nowhere to even begin.  Passing
by a health club, the group decided to go inside and relax for
awhile.  After drinking a healthy drink made of potatoes and
lemons, mixed with pace picante sauce, they were revitalized and
began asking around.  After many perplexed looks about what a
"golden slushi" might be, they found a clue.  Apparently the
owner of the club had heard about them and wished to help them 
out.  Up in his office, the gang met the infamous "Richard
Simmons".  Mr (Ms?) Simmons relayed to them that he knew where
they could find the great golden slushi.  All of a sudden, Richard
Simmons attacked!  "You shall never find the great golden slushi,
for we have many great plans for its power".  Simmons side kick,
the tropicana fruit lady began to pelt them with grapefruits, while
Richard slapped Bob Dole to the ground.  Orange knew that they
were outmatched, and they had to escape, fast.  Logg fell to the
ground and just layed there, for the lollypop isnt really very
animated.  Bob Dole, however, was always alert and ready.  He
pulled free a can of coca cola, and began to shake it.  Orange
checked the doors, but they were all locked.  A pineapple pelted
him in the back of the head, and the last thing he saw was the
acidic cola spraying forth all over richard simmons and his
evil sidekick.   (To be continued)

The Donkey, An Oatmeal Bath, and Joe Pesci (Part 2 of 4)

Orange awoke in what seemed to look like a dungeon.  Former
Senator Bob Dole was sprawled on the ground with bits of
various fruit chunklets dripping off his face.  Across from
them were four men wearing red jello mold hats and black spandex.
Orange walked over and poked one of them with the toe of his shoe.
The man looked up with kareem-abdul jabbar type glasses on.  He
recognized them!  They were his dad's old friends, Devo!  "Hey
guys!  How did you end up down here?"  The lead devo guy looked
up and said "Well, after our last adventure for the golden slushi,
we realised we hadnt had a hit in 15 years.  So we went and 
recorded "Dip it" for Captain Blondebeard's fried chicken dippers.
With the money we made, we bought some milkshakes and were left
to start all over again.  We came in here looking for work, and
Richard Simmons imprisoned us!  He forced us to watch Whoopi 
Goldberg movies over and over until we would help him find the
Golden Slushi.  After the fifth time of watching "Sister Act II",
we all passed out, and found ourselves in here."  Orange looked
around.  There wasnt much to use to try to escape.  In his pocket
he found a matchbook from one of LA's... "heartiest" bordellos,
a bit of pocket string, and a package of hot cider.  Not much
to try and stage a daring escape.  Not much for a normal person,
that is.  You see, Orange used to watch MacGyver.  Using the cider
as a base, he attached the string and added some of the chemicals
found in the moss in the dungeon, and lit it using the match.  The
bomb went off and blasted open the door.  After kicking Bob Dole
awake, the 6 of them exited the door, to find themselves face to
face with...Lorenzo Lamas!  Normally portraying Renegade in reruns
on USA, or as a cheesy 'super action man hero of doom' on B movies
with Billy Dee Williams, now he was portraying the vile cell guard!
"Lorenzo, how could you do this?  How could you help out Richard
Simmons!  I mean, havent you seen his show?"  Lorenzo sneered.  
"Hey, i get 2% of the royalties from Sweating with the Oldies!  Its
a much better deal than riding around on a motorcycle with my 
navaho companion and busting bad guys.  My feminine side, Barbara,
is able to lose weight and feel great!"  While Lorenzo droned on,
Orange came up and smacked him over the head with Bob Dole's arm.
Lorenzo collapsed to the ground and the team left the dank cells
of the vile Richard Simmons.  They entered the Health Club,
and were on their way out when Lorenzo sounded the alarm!  
Groups of retired WWF wrestlers, like Captain Lou Albano and
the Big Boss Man gathered at the entrance.  They turned to find
another way to escape, but the stand ins from sweating with the
oldiest has surrounded them!  

Seventeen and a Half Monopoly Boards (Part Three of Four)

Things were looking very bad for the group.  Frantically they
searched for a way out, when Richard Simmons strolled down to
confront them.  His face was contorted though, now.  Burns all
over his face made him seem horribly.. more attractive than 
before.  But then again, wouldnt some charred flesh make all
of us just that much more beautiful?  Anyways, Richard began
to laugh maniacally.  "Finally, you are in my clutches.  I have
won!  Now I shall reveal my evil plots and schemes as i revel
in my victory!"  Richard strolled about and cackled (well, kind
of like a giggle.. but yeah).  "Nobody will find the secret
mexican nazi hideout underneath the Matterhorn in Disneyland.  
There is where my fortress lies, and from there I shall conquer
the world!"  As Richard Simmons stood laughing, from the ceiling
something small fell down and smacked him on the head.  "Logg!"
Orange shouted.  Logg, the rootbeer flavored dumdum lollypop
had saved the day!  In the confusion, the team scrambled for
the door and made their escape.  Unfortunately Devo was trapped
by the retired wrestlers, but Bob Dole, Orange, and Logg made
it out.  "Hurrah!  We can head for the mexican nazi fortress now
and get the golden slushi before they have time to get back!"
After awhile, the team arrived in Disneyland at the Matterhorn.
Finding one of the doors marked "Cuidado, hombres solado", they
made their way into the vile fortress of the mexican nazi's.
Along the walls, red, white and green flags with a swastica
in the middle were all over.  While striding confidently about,
they found what seemed to be a large chamber.  When they entered,
upon a pedestal in the middle was the infamous Golden Slushi!
Orange leaped forth, but was stopped in mid stride by a sudden
trip to the ground, face down.  All around, they were surrounded
by the feared... the unconquerable.. the great... peg legged
hippie women!  Orange brought forth his great packets of mustard
and began mustarding his way towards the golden slushi.  The
hippies fell left and right before the might of mustard, and
Orange grasped the Golden Slushi and held it high.  Finally, he
had won!  A clicking sound emanated from all around.  Orange
looked about in wonder and saw a spectral figure before him.
"So, you fell for my trap, didnt you?  I knew Richard Simmons would
make a great figurehead.  I cannot believe that you were able to
so easily defeat the peg legged hippie women, but have no fear. 
For my armies are much more superior!"  Orange squinted, but couldn't
make the figure out.  "Just.. who are you?"  The figure laughed.
"You can't figure it out yet boy?  For I am the ghost of Liberace,
and this is my army of CRABS!" (For those who have their mind
in some sort of grocery store, 'crabs' is referring to the
sea creature whos legs you eat.  Not anything else.  -Rathmar
and staff)

"Yellow tiles and the rice patties of Cthon" (Part Four of Four)

Orange stood defiantly looking at the ghost of Liberace while
crabs began to stream out all around.  The clicking of their
exoskeletal legs on the ground made an eerie sound.  Orange 
looked to Bob Dole and Logg for help, but they had none to offer.
Bob Dole had an idea.  He leaped forth, and began to dance.  The
crabs watched in shock as Bob Dole began to call for help from
the heavens.  Moments later, the crabs pulled him down, and began
to pinch him.  Pinch him... to death!  But the passing of the
former senator was not meaningless, for the heavens responded
by sending forth many OtterPops from the sky, raining down and
crushing the vile crabs!  Orange grinned, and strode forth
to the ghost of Liberace and said "Your army is defeated.  I
am the victor today."  Liberace just sat and smiled.  "So, you
think that otterpops can save you?  Well, little do you know, 
this castle is surrounded by teenage fast food employees of
DOOM.  There is no escape.  Give me the golden slushi, and 
surrender!"  An army of crappy cartoon dinosaurs surrounded
Orange.  "This is my true army.  Now, you are done."  Orange
looked over at Logg, and Logg shrugged (a quite difficult task
for a rootbeer flavored lollypop).  Orange went over to Logg and
began whispering his plan, and Logg nodded (well, sort of).  
Orange picked up Logg, and unwrapped him.  Liberace watched in
horror as Orange lept forth, shoving Logg into Liberace's mouth.
Overcome by the unbearable rootbeer flavors, Liberace disappeared
and his ghastly rule was ended.  Unfortunately, Logg disappeared
as well.  Orange was left alone to battle cartoon dinosaurs and
teenage food service workers.  Out of mustard, and out of allies,
Orange had but one chance.  Orange, with his extensive knowledge
of television, knew just what to do.  He began to immitate Michael
Jackson's "Moonwalker", in hopes that it would be like on tv, and
it was.  The dinosaurs and teenagers began to immitate his groovy
dance, as music just suddenly appeared (as it always seems to do
in musicals).  Orange grinned and walked toward the exit, finally
victorious, and in possession of the golden slushi.  Just as he
came to the exit, one of the larger dinosaurs stepped on him.
The golden slushi fell from his dead hands, and fell into a 
crevice, to be lost once more....



The Adventures of Mayor McCheese

Episode One: The Mayor Hatches a Plan

Mayor McCheese strolled about his McDonaldland office.  All around 
him were posters of Ronald McDonald and pictures of all sorts of
other celebrities.  Mayor McCheese didnt have a poster.  He didn't
even have a box of cookies anymore.  The Mayor didnt even appear on
the crappy placemats.  Due to the new fun houses, the old playgrounds
with the Mayor McCheese slides were taken down and destroyed.  The
Mayor was forgotten.. though he ruled McDonaldland with an iron fist,
in the real world he was a nobody.  Even the crappy little fry guys
got more airtime than him.  So, the Mayor teamed up with Chief O'Maly
to bring back the respect to McDonaldland's officers as opposed to
a damned clown.  So, it was time to take him out.  With Ronald out
of the way, his little band would fall easily and the Mayor would
once more become a respected figure in the eyes of the world.  Chief
O'Maly, police chief of McDonaldland grinned.  He would be the one
to lead the investigation, and would cover the Mayor completely.
Now, the Mayor needed a way to get Ronald.  Ronald was opening the
new McDonalds in India, and would be vulnerable while trying to
juggle little balls to entertain the masses.  "Bah!  I would never
juggle to entertain people.  I would just sit and be extra cool
and everyone would know that I knew whats up."  
The next day, in India:
Ronald began juggling some rubber chickens to entertain the thousand
of starving kids that came to eat the free food being given away.
Some of the smaller children began to cry and ran to their parents.
Ronald hmmed, and called out his friends Birdie and Grimace.  
Grimace began to dance about, sort of wobbly, and Birdie flapped
her arms and didnt really do anything.  The Mayor grinned, ontop
of a Walk*Mart across the street.  He loaded his gun with a high
powered rootbeer flavored lollypop.  The lollypop let out a yelp,
"Hey!  Im no bullet!  My name is Logg, and i am on a quest to f.."
The mayor snapped the bullet into the gun and aimed at Ronald's
head.  PLUNK!  The lollypop shot out of the gun at high speed and
slammed itself into its target.  However, Ronald ducked into
the building, and everyone ran around screaming in panic.  At
the last minute, someone else had gotten in the way.  Due to
all the confusion, the Mayor couldnt see who was hit.  He packed 
his gun up and headed for the car to get out of the area....

Episode Two: The Death of Grimace

Headline: The Next Day.  "Grimace is Dead!"  Grimace, long time
companion of Ronald McDonald, and big purple blob guy, was slain
by an unfound gunsman last night, while at the opening of a new
McDonalds in India.  Chief O'Maly suspects it was probably one
of those damned vidkids from Burger King Kids Club again.  
Memorial Services will be held on Friday.  
The Mayor cackled.. though his target was missed, this was almost
as good.  Now, all he had to do was get Ronald at the funeral.
If he hired Keanu Reeves to distract them with his bad acting, then
he would have the time to strike.  Mayor McCheese laughed and 
stalked off, preparing to finish his plans.  
McDonaldland cemetary, Friday.
Birdie and Ronald McDonald sat grieving over the loss of Grimace.
The McNugget guys moped about, and everyone was in a generally
down mood.  Dozens of fry-guys ran around, keeping a watch on
things so make sure that the terrible events earlier in the week
didnt repeat themself.  Keanu Reeves walks up, and began talking
to Ronald, making over emphasized hand gestures, and talking
extremely slowly.  Ronald kind of nodded his head at the pauses
in the conversation, while Birdie talked up a storm.  The Mayor
grinned down and loaded his hand catapult with a fish filet, 
the deadliest of all substances known to man.  The Mayor aimed
down and, just before he was about to fire, someone coughed behind
him.  He turned to face.......

Episode 3: Caught, Red....handed?

A peppy ska band with a blonde female lead singer!  The trombone
and trumpet player chatted away gleefully, while the muscles rippled
on the stomach of the blonde chick.  She said "Hey there mr hamburger
dude, whatcha doing?".  The mayor was so startled that he misfired
his catapult and hit Keanu Reeves in the face.  The mayor tried to 
run, but the ungodly muscled blonde chick held him tight, since 
she doesnt have to carry an instrument, the untalented grocery
bagger that she is.  Newspapers listed the headlines "Currently
Popular Temp Hit Ska Band Captures Mayor McCheese"  After the
horrible burning off of keanu reeve's face, the mayor didnt look
like he was in a good position.  Not even Chief O'Maly had enough
influence to get him out of this jam.  Mayor McCheese was forced
to await trial in the McJail with the hamburgler, on trial for
another wacky escapade having to do with giggles and cheeseburgers.
Turns out that apparently Ronald has a law degree from Harvard, and
would be serving as the prosecuting attourney.  The Mayor, however,
was stuck with having Lynell Hutz, infamous for having a strangely
similar voice to Phil Hartman.  The media instantly pinned the Mayor
for being guilty, but extremest groups gathered around the court
houses picked some fry guy minorities as prime targets.  

Episode Four: Escape...? (Coming Soon)



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