August 21st, 1998.  I was watching baseball the other day for the
first time in 5 years, and finally the fishyness of it all hit me.
Notice how in the last 4 seasons, nobody gave dick about baseball?
I mean, hell, they let an expansion team win the world series!  At
least the Royals are still losing, I think that is what they are
using as their cover.  But, all of a sudden, all sorts of records
seem to be on the verge of being broken.  And personally, i think
this is all a setup to gain back the american people's attention.
Its why the NBA is having a lockout, and football let the broncos
win.  So that everyone would pay attention to baseball.  Well, I
did some investigating and here is what I discovered....
Apparently, instead of using baseballs, they were replaced with
tennis balls painted white.  This way, home runs are much more
easily hit.  A little extra weight in them to go the distance,
but that solves all of the problems.  Plus, you may notice a lot
more winks and nods from umpires nowadays.  Why?  Because they
are signaling the cuban immigrants below the field to begin their
"baseball game" emulators.  All the baseballs players are having
a ball down in a small south pacific island while computer processed
images play "more exciting" baseball games.  though, of course, this
would discredit the tennis ball theory.  But im sure you can turn
your head and ignore that we ever mentioned that, right?  Either way,
if next season seems to be even more exciting, then if you find your
way to Fiji you might see Mark McGwire drinking a daquiri and having
a ball.  Yet, if it is dismal and boring, try to find some people
to touch the players, and you will notice they are back.  and baseball
returns to its slump of people who dont give a crap.

August 18th, 1998.  I finally uncovered the entire reason the C-SPAN
channel exists.  A bunch of old guys sitting around, chatting about
this and that in some sort of political monodrone sense.  Well, since
most of us pass by this channel on our way from comedy central to MTV,
you would never suspect that by staying on the channel, you would
uncover, that this is the actual 'scrambling' effect.  Used to coverup
the Senate's own "hardcore sex" channel.  Ever see your grandpa sitting
down for an evening of cspan, and when you say 'whats on', he says,
"run along son, you wouldnt enjoy this".  Well, now you know.  I decided
to delve deeper into this issue.  With the entire "Clinton and Monica
Lewinski" scandals running about, something was up.  And what I found
was much more terrifying than simple adultery.  You think the president
talked to her first?  Oh no.  You see, the title of "President" is
accompanied by the rank of America's Premeire Gigalo.  Makes the Nixon
and Reagan years sort of turn your stomach.  But old Bill knows where
to put his presidential stamp.  And the reason this wasnt uncovered
sooner?  Well, the only people who watch c-span arent going to get it
turned off the air.  Then they have to go pay for Spice or something.
I mean, why else run for political office?  Money, power.  No.  Its
the explicit hardcore sex I tell you.  Ken Starr just happens to be
the guy who watched Lifetime instead.  And so, is going to break up
the conglomerate that has kept Playboy from overrunning the world.

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