Yes, I am sure you've all heard me complain... and often about the
stupid people who call me at work.  Here i will be able to go in-depth
in telling you the stories of just how .. bad people can be with 
computers and the internet...

Lets start with The Basics.  Here's a few sample calls i get on a
daily basis:

"Thank you for calling... may i have your username please?"
"Uhhhhh... username?  Jerry McGrew"
"No, sir, your flashnet username."
"No... your FLASHNET LOGON name..."
"well.. close enough.... what can i do for you today?"
"I ca'aint connect"
"what kind of error messages do you get?"
"It says i ca'aint connect"
"Well, sir, normally there is a more specific error message.  What
Operating System do you use?"
"No, sir... the OPERATING System... Windows?"
"Uh... Outlook express?  Is that what you want?"
"Do you have a start button in the lower left corner?"
"Yes (delay, of course)"
"Click on that and read me what it says on the left"
"Programs, find, run"
"No, it should say "windows something"
"I dont see it."
"look harder"
"i dont see it"
"Right along the left hand side... going up.. it says windows 98,
"oooooh, yeah.  thats a tricky one there."
"not really."
(Call continues for at least 15 more minutes)

I dont understand how hard it is to know 3 simple answers if you have
a computer and the internet.  "What OS do you have"  "What browser
do you have" and "what email program do you use".  I usually get
"Flashnet' as the answer for all 3 of those.  Especially if i get
a "903" call, which i will explain all about later.  I mean, just
the other day I spent 15 minutes with this guy who couldnt get his
CD drive to read our cd, only to find out it was upside down, and
the guy didnt know 'which side was supposed to be up' so when i asked
him to check to make sure it was in correctly, he thought the 'shiny'
side was supposed to be up, so he said yes.  *groan*

One group of calls that always makes me laugh is when people want to
clear the visited sites in their netscape/IE... I had one call where
a woman called in, and thought we were putting them on her computer.
She said "only me and my husband use the computer".  So, i explained
to her that her husband had been visiting all of those anal sex sites
in the history, and she freaked out.  Then she called back a minute
or so later and talked to someone else, I guess she didnt want to
believe her husband's got some strange turn-ons.

Now, here is what a 903 call is.  The area code east of the metroplex
is 903.  The people there all live in small farm communities (pretty
much) and 90% of the very bad hick accents come from there.  They
also tend to know a LOT less than the average person who knows 
nothing at all.  Its always funny because they always like to tell
you "hey, im sort of a novice with these things".  As if i couldnt
figure that out by the fact that you were calling because on your
screen you have a message "Connected to Flashnet at 28800bps for..."
So many people call up with that because they dont have some magic
AOL screen pop up with all sorts of point and click goodies.  Another
classic one is when people who are used to clicking on their browser
to dial in, and now the autodial doesnt work. (can be caused by a ton
of things).  So they freak out and think the 'internet is broken'.
I normally just create a shortcut to dial in, but i have had people
who threaten to cancel their accounts because they have to click on
TWO things to dial in, as opposed to just one.  (sigh)

Anyway, thats it for today.  Ill add some more stuff in over the
next couple of days..

Here we go!  Its the archive of the "All time stupidest calls"...

Lets start with the #1.  The "cell phone" call.  This woman calls 
up and tells me that she's not getting any web pages.  So after
awhile i find out that she is telling me that "modems arent really
used to connect, they are just fascads.  the computer just needs to
hear the signal".  So i ask her how she is dialing up without a
modem.  She says she is using her cell phone.  I say 'ok, a cell
modem?' and she says "No, im using the phone to dial flashnet".
So, i get puzzled, and find out she is dialing flashnet on the
cell phone, setting it ONTOP of her computer, and "beaming the 
internet into her computer".  Internet via osmosis. Ugh...

Here's another good one.  This guy was filling in his DNS numbers,
and i was like 'ok, put in two zero nine, three zero, zero, nine'.
so he puts it in.  it doesnt accept the DNS.. so i check it like
three times, and he's like "yeah, ive got it all in there' and so
we go over it one more time, reading everything out, and he's like
"wait, do you mean zero the number or zero the letter?"  yes,
this was a 903 call.

I love it when macintosh users try using a pc.  the entire 'there
are more than one buttons' concept just kills me.  They get all
confused and disoriented when they have to 'left click' or 'right
click'... i dont see what the point of a one button mouse was anyway,
but you cant imagine how funny it is to hear a person like spaz out
because they cant quite figure it out, and are afraid to 'mess up'
and 'destroy their computer'...

I got a call tonight from a woman on a palmtop computer... yes, it
was a new one for me too.  she said her battery died and her email
program isnt there anymore.  Im like 'uh, ok, so?' and she says
'well, i want to get my email!'  So, i explain to her that you
need an EMAIL PROGRAM to get EMAIL.  She's like "well, cant you
do something so i can get it?"  im like "hell, if i could buy a
palmtop computer, i wouldnt be talking to you."

Here was another great 903 call.  I find it funny how almost all
the great calls are from the 903 area code... Maybe its the stupid
people capital of the world... anyway, this was a nice sounding 
old guy who knew that he had windows 98 when i asked him!  So i
thought i was in business.  He wants to get setup, so i say 'ok,
lets click on start!' and he's like "uh, start?"  Im like yes, the
start button...  Well, he takes a couple minutes, and says "i dont
see that on my keyboard".  So i groan... and say 'no, its on your
screen, in the bottom left corner'.  He says "that doesnt say 
start.  that says compaq."  GROAN... "no, the screen part.. move
your mouse to the lower left corner of your screen and click on
the button with the big "Start" on it.  So he actually TAKES HIS
MOUSE and puts it on his monitor!!!  I hear this unnatural scraping
sound and ask him what he's doing.  He says he's "clicking on 
start, his mouse is right over the start button".  Well, lets just
say this call didnt end very quickly.  He was also another fun
"lets fingerpick at one key per few second speed!"  Our domain is
'' and so stuff like mail servers are '' and
so i tell this guy 'ok, the incoming mail server is pop-dot-flash-
dot-net.'  And so he types it in and i hear him say 'slash'.... so
i ask him what he is putting in and he says 'pop dot slash dot net'.
So i spell it out for him.  and instead of a backslash, this time
he types out the word 'slash'.  I tell him "what internet service
do you have?"  he's like "flashnet"  so i say exactly.  this is
not SLASHNET.  its not /NET.  its *F* L A S H N E T.  So, we move
onto the outgoing mail server.  and the guy couldnt handle me saying
'mail dot flash dot net'.  thats too fast, though its almost the
SAME EXACT THING as i put in above.  *ARGH*

Here was a fun call.. a non 903 one, very surprisingly.  Some mexican
guy calls in and asks me "I just have a quick question."  Alright.
"Where do i plug my phone line into?"  Your modem.  "I dont see a
hole on my computer for it.  Do you know where i can stick it into?"
So, you dont have a phone jack sized hole in the back of your 
computer? "No" So, it is safe to assume you dont have a modem then,
right? "Modem?"  Yes, the thing that dials into the internet, and
gets you connected.  "(Long silence)"  "So.. i need one of these
"Modem" things to get onto the flashnet?"  Yes.  "and where would
i perchance run across one of these 'modems'?"  At any computer
store.  "Radio Shack?"  No.  Radio shack sells.. like batteries or
something.  Try a computer store.  "Not Radio Shack?"  No.  Not
radio shack.  like Best Buy.  "Best Buy?"  Comp USA?  "Comp USA?"
Look, just look up in your phone book for computers and go to one
of those stores.  and ask for a 'MO-DEM'.  ok?  "Uhhh... ok.  So
i look in this phonebook?"  Yes.  Thank you for using Flashnet.