September 13th: Beanbags. A beanbag is IMPOSSIBLY to stay comfortable. I have the fortune of sitting on a beanbag that has like half the beans it needs to, so it cushons all the places im not sitting on. Hurray! But in my time, beanbags are such a hassle. They always conform to the position you DONT want, and they are always leaking stuff out and getting all over the place. Im still trying to work with this one to make a decent chair. It sure beats the "evil" chair. its this chair that like, folds out into being a.. long chair. its hard to explain, but when you sit in the middle, it is never proportioned, so you get bent into all sorts of weird positions. Damned free furniture. September 12th: Paul Reiser. Ok, my two dads sucked. Its a well known fact. Mad about you? Well, Helen Hunt can be okay, but what a horrible life to go to work and see paul reiser all the time. i hope she's not sleeping with him, but i really think there was more to that 'my two dads' than they let on anyways. But now we have to see him in all these phone commercials. and it REALLY sucks. I would really like to see him locked into some eternal nightmarish hell. If only would die like he does in Aliens, the world would be a much, much better place. September 11th: I was watching monday night football, and these guys were dancing around with pig noses on their face, and this rainbow collage of buttons and stuff on their clothes. You know, if this proves you are a die-hard fan so be it, but there is no way to pull that off on national tv, and look cool. Its sort of like having your own clowns for football games, that paid like $110 to do it. And whats with painting your body and dancing around half naked in the snow? And, how come everyone that does that are bigger than the offensive linemen? I never see women doing that at football games... drew carey put it best when he said.. well, its not important what he said, but ill remember it after i close netscape. it was funny though, i laughed. September 10th: I know you've heard drive thru jokes everywhere, but i have a special place where you get the 'best' drive thru. Taco Bell. well, ill start with a story. It was the first day these gordita things were on sale, and i hadnt seen any of the ads. and usually, with taco bell, something that is 'supreme' costs a lot more. I saw pictures of chicken and steak, and all i wanted was a normal beef one. So, i said 'yeah, i want a normal beef gordita'. and, of course, in las cruces, the guys who are actually mexican have to show off their accents and talk really fast. So he says 'do you want santa fe, fiesta, or supreme?' So, i explain that i want the normal one. none of that flashy expensive stuff. so he says 'santa fe, fiesta, or supreme?' Of course, i dont know there is a difference, but the guy doesnt seem to think its important to mention any of this to me. Well, after awhile, i actually got my gordita. i think i got conned. anyways, for the first time ever the other day, we got our order without having to repeat it three times. VERY rare indeed. I remember once, this guy ordered 'two pepsi's, one diet, one regular'. so, the lady rings up four drinks. the guy spent 10 minutes trying to explain it to the person. *sigh* I guess i know why its a minimum wage paying job after all.... September 9th: You ever go to the grocery store and see two liters of brand name soda for pretty cheap? Then you notice that the game on it gives away tickets to the superbowl, and its june? Trust me, after my years of pepsi tasting, i know my dates pretty good. The worst is getting those christmas cans in april. (or august). They try to be clever by disguising it by the price, but the only time anything goes on sale is because it is overstocked. and the only time a two liter of pepsi is selling for 49 cents is that they are WAY overstocked, and expired. I remember the ads for pop culture in may, why the hell are they still selling them now? September 8th: You ever have fat-free ranch salad dressing? Im sorry, but there is just NO way that it can ever taste good. Its like, it takes all the flavor out, to make room for more water, because water is healthy. Wishbone especially. I thanks kelthang for getting some ranch, but dont make the same mistake! It tastes like sandpaper covered in a sort of white pasty substance with a little pepper in it. Some fat free stuff is actually pretty decent, but silver "claims" that kraft makes decent fat free ranch. if any of you know, let me know. I dont know if i can trust a man who likes diet sams choice cola. September 7th: Disney breaks through with another 'animals are people too' movie. This week: Air Bud: Golden Receiver. Alright, who watches these movies? is there like a target audience of age 5-6 or something? I have to give these guys credit that they can find enough different animals to be completely blatant carbon copies of whatever the first one was, i dont even remember now. Yaay, a gorilla can live with a baseball player. Im sorry, but dogs can NOT PLAY BASKETBALL. it just is not going to happen. so stop making movies about it. You're going to have kids throwing basketballs at their pets heads and giving them some sort of blood clot in the brain. And, also, dogs and dolphins can not fall in love. Dogs memory span lasts about as long as they find the next flea on their leg, and dolphins are creepy as hell anyways. I think they are starting some sort of rebellion and will take over the world. Come on, its not as far fetched as Silver's dream about the cure for cancer being in the DNA of a strawberry. September 6th: Antz - The movie. Alright, enough is enough. I saw Honey I shrunk the kids. We dont need "my god, its world thats really really tiny" again. I mean, you just cant top the scene when they are in the cheerio's, so dont even bother. But, in a world where all this summers movies seem to be natural disaster films, i guess its a breath of fresh air for another form of lack of creativity. September 5th: The new Imac. Im sure you have seen how they are trying to make computers for old men who think computers are televisions and so that kids can go from sesame street to accessing porn at the touch of a button. I guess its kind of cool to simplify the wires into two, but enough is enough. The thing also looks like a space age microwave anyways. I dont know, maybe all those years working in dos to try to get Star Control 2 to work on my horribly scraped together 386 made me really against these far too simple computers. Come on, we all know its not worth owning a computer, if you dont have those error commands every half hour. It improves your problem solving skills, and gives AOL techs a job. September 4th: Ever notice how yogurt comes in really small containers? Its another one of those 'just short of satisfying' container size. You eat one up, and you just need a little more. They sell so much more that way. And, the fact that spoons never ever really do an effective job of scraping the yogurt out, you always leave a bunch in those hard-to-reach bottom parts of the container. I bet ive left dozens of full containers worth in the bottom simply because theres so much left over. Ever also get surprised by a really big chunk of fruit? I dunno, some i would rather just have the 'taste' of fruit rather than a soggy, month old piece of fruit that was laying around in a store room for bugs and stuff. But then again, lets not talk about what goes into the completely creamy kind... September 3rd: Im sure you love cold medicine. Unfortunately, I dont have any. But i'll bitch about it anyways. The only really good thing about cold medicine is its use as a sedative (or a last resort to get drunk). It tastes HORRIBLE, and yet, doesnt do a thing for you except make you go to sleep and pray that your body can beat off the evil cold viruses. Personally, i think mouthwash and cold medicine are the same thing except they add expired maple syrup to cold medicine, to give it that not really liquid feeling. And, the ungodly horrible taste. Except, as a kid, there was this orange medicine stuff that was really good. I bet it did even less than other cold medicine though. Kind of like orange tictacs. Great candy, little effect of intended job. September 2nd: Sitcoms.. Kind of a TV theme here (though you will read them in reverse order, so ignore that) Anyways, ive noticed about a thousand new sitcoms this season for network tv. and you know how many of those will make it past 13 episodes? Maybe 3. Its what has plagued the fox network for years, the lack of a new 'married with children'. theres this show "Costello" they are showing lots of ads for. I bet when november comes around, they'll have another reason for more simpsons syndication, or some xfiles mini marathon. I wont even touch ABC NBC and CBS.. but you know what im thinking. Im sure you do. September 1st: You ever sit down and watch a movie, and you know it sucks, and yet, you cant help but continue watching it? You just HAVE to know what happens. I was watching tv and stumbled onto "Angels in the Outfield". Some lame movie about a kid and a crappy baseball team, turing professional players into kind of idiots. Featuring the return of everyone's favorite unemployed, had to do 1800 collect commercials to pay the bills actor, Tony Danza! anyways, i couldnt stop watching it. I had to see it through to the end. Im embarassed still to admit that, but god damnit, I couldnt help myself. Watch, you'll find it out too. One day nothing will be on tv, and you'll stumble onto a lame movie, but it has some intriguing quality that will hook you, and when someone enters, you'll change the channel really fast, but you'll come back to it, i assure you. August 31st: Well, i dont know about your newspaper, but the comics in the "Topeka Capital-Journal" suck really bad. They have the star-lined trio of "Mary Worth" "Judge Parker" and some other lame one. It takes up like 1/4 of the comics alone. Then theres always frank and ernest and some lame pun, and a half page of stupid cross word puzzles and 'whats wrong in picture two' games. I usually go and read Garfield and Dilbert and Fox Trot and sort of skim the rest. There was actually a pretty funny comic somewhere about some clown written by the guy on one of those real world shows on mtv, i liked it a lot, but here, instead, we have "family circus". Heh. August 30th: College Football Commercials. I dont know if you watch much college football, but im kind of forced into it. One thing that bugs me though, is that EVERY break there are these commercials supporting the states and schools that are playing. I mean, theres only so many times i need to be told how great the state of Nebraska is, or how you can have a great future at Louisiana Technical Institute. Hurrah :P I dont know why they even bother, its not like a commercial will make you go "wow, i never thought about how beautiful Iowa is. Lets move there Jill! Its more of a "god damnit Jill, they reassigned me to Iowa." August 29th: KFC "togo" bags. I swear to god these things are ten times thinner than wal mart bags, and those you need to doublebag. Silver and i got some KFC, and my bag straps broke by the time i got to the truck, parked right outside the door. Im surprised it lasted that long, you can just feel the plastic stretching and ripping as soon as you hold it. Speaking of KFC, i like the place well enough, but have you noticed how much competition it has? I mean, have you ever actually eaten at a Churches Chicken? Come on, be honest now. If you had, its nothing to be ashamed of. Just because their commercials with that dog that wears the lady's wig and that smugass bastard looking at you suck, doesnt mean the food isnt good. the food sucks on its own. And, then theres mcdonalds 'crispy chicken deluxe'. it sounds good, looks good, but when they put like no mayo on it, and the buns are exactly like sponges, and the tomato that nice ripe yellow color, it makes you sort of.. not want to eat it.